A HAND IN THE FOG

VII

No. Not so fast. Just changed the memories – maybe a joke from the brain. Sometimes could be a bad joke and other times – delicious jokes. It depends of the moment that the brain worked against or in favor.

While she moved in direction at the noise some made her remember the first time they said goodbye.

But it was clear what happened inside her.

In front of her, on the way to the door, there was a picture. He was with her in a photo when they were in that wonderful cave. She took the picture. Both together and with a shy smiled. The photo was there since ever – she put in front at the place that she preferred to write.

She sat on the same chair – put papers on the small round table – most of the times a bowl of popcorn. As she usually described herself writing – she went into a private bubble – with popcorn for partner and witness.

When she was inside the house and sat on the little round table the first look it was around the space. Like she had requirement of a certified of localization – or something similar.

There were always flowers around their picture and a crystal stone rested close to a little dish she bought in another city. From the ceiling hanged – a small photo of Hercules that he gave to her in one of their trips.

And behind all – like a monument – there was a big mirror.

Obviously when she looked at the photo all the ideas ran away and she just spent her creativity thinking about him. It was a funny scene. She smiled about herself and her new teen style.

One day, looking at the mirror in front of her she learned that there is nothing better than a mirror when she wanted to write. All the images were duplicated and the time seemed the same – double. In front of the mirror all the ideas and the images that flew inside her – made jokes with sanity and disease or with reality and fantasy.

And she never wrote in another place. Almost never – because sometimes she loved write in front of the sea – making the same jokes about sanity and disease or fantasy and reality – using the waves as a mirror. But the sea was most of the time so far from her.

Looking at the photo on the way to the noise she remembered the first time after their meeting that they said goodbye. It was difficult and poetic at the same time.

She discovered that missing and pain make a perfect pair – a hard and strong couple.

But she also discovered that say goodbye for someone – if love is the basis – carried inside the word much more feelings than a hello. It is like the end of a chapter when is finished – but the memory is feed forever for the words and images. And the end of the chapter – cause a new chapter inside the mind.

Once she tried to explain for a friend this feeling – but she didn’t understand and she stopped to try. Explication is easily absorbed if the other has the same idea of involvement but if not – it is a lost of time for both.

Feelings and conventional styles are antagonists. There are some possible rules for the Pleasure – but not for the Desire.

And she learned once more that there are much more sides of solitude than she thought.

When they said the first goodbye in that evening – it was a hard moment. She didn’t know what to do. It was the first time in her life that she felt so unbelievable sensation. She remembered that he asked – at the last moment – for a coffee. When he began to drink the coffee he said in low voice – I didn’t want to drink a coffee now, but it was a way to be three minutes more with you.

She couldn’t answer. She couldn’t drink. All the body was accomplice for the farewell. As only lost – and nothing could relief the lost – even a little coffee. And the body was closed.

She was full of lost and empty of touch. She was full of nothing and empty of everything. It was a strange sensation. Maybe ambiguity was the only word that could translate her emotions.

She decided do not tell him. She knew him and she was absolutely sure that he would be concerned. She suffered with her own and selfish emotion. Selfish – at that moment – it was much more a necessity than a style.

After they said goodbye and she come back home alone – during some months all the mornings she prayed for the night and all the nights she prayed for the morning.

And the mornings and night maybe prayed for itself.

And when she was sad – she read the message that he sent after they said goodbye – speechless, astonished, touched.

With these three words for partnership – she waited for the Life or for the Destiny decisions.

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